My Inner Thoughts

This afternoon, I got invited to a ride to a distant relative by affinity. On the way to the place of destination, thoughts were running in my mind. I wondered how people look at me and how I see myself in the near future. 

The truth is I’m too scared of the future- will it be a failure or a prosperous one? 

I thought to myself, “Riva-ya, people close to you think that you are just taking for granted everything in life. What do you have to say for yourself?” 

My conscious self answered back, “I thought so too. Even the closest people to me also thinks I am a happy go lucky girl. No, I’m not. I plan all alone in my head. I have plans if I fail the Bar exams. I have plans when I’ll pursue my dream of becoming a chef. People take me literally. All they see is my happy self. They never see beyond that. The mask is too thick.”

“You can’t always be like that. Someday, that mask will peel off and maybe if they’re not too blind, they’ll also see.”

“No. This won’t peel off. I know everything in my life has already been in place. I’m tired of being judged by the people. No one takes me seriously. No one. None ever. But I can’t complain, even if I let people easily in my life, I make sure to build walls as high as I can.

I know, even someone special thinks that I have no plans in my life, but I really do. I just want to plan it all alone. I secretly study, I secretly pray. I want my life to be okay, live wonderfully, build a family. I just feel sad that no one really notices my serious side.”

“In your world, you are alone. In the physical world, everyone is there. You just don’t know who’ll stay and who’ll go; who’ll betray you and who’ll not. Find someone who’ll take you seriously with your dreams, who’ll understand you and where you’re coming from. Talk to your best friend, one you know who won’t leave you and betray you.

This world is full of thieves and robbers, make sure whoever you meet isn’t one of them. Never forget to pray and ask for guidance. Avoid being used.”

I set aside all my thoughts already. I put them in a box, marked them to be opened everyday so that I’ll be reminded of all the things that I aim in life and how I’ll conquer my dreams and make a good life. I’ll put all my plans in life. I will always be cautious. I’ll make sure I fulfill all my dreams. 

Those are my thoughts. My secrets. This is my life. An open book. 

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