While it’s true that my immaturity sucks, I have never and will never think of letting you go. But last Sunday was different. I was hopeless. I was. I lay in bed thinking what could have been if we did not take our friendship to the next level. Maybe, I’d still be single by now. Maybe, I am very much focused at school (not that I am not focusing or what). Maybe, I have work. Endless possibilities.
But, there was you and me. Us. I found in you the man I needed. One who would negate my egoistic self. One who’d make me much more of a simple person. You were the one who appreciated me. I just can’t let go a person like you.
You are the best that I have ever had. Real. All the good things in life started rolling out when you came into my life and now, I just ruined it.
I can only blame myself for this happening. I can only stare at the ceiling blankly, never ending staring. Skipping meals. watching movies. Waiting for Sherlock Season 3. *sigh*
I grabbed my phone, plugged in the jack for the earphones, listened to a song or two then I stopped. My bitter self took control of me, I laid on my bed singing Taylor Swift’s “The Story of Us”.
“I used to think one day we’d tell the story of us,
How we met and the sparks flew instantly
People would say they’re the lucky ones.”
“I used to know my spot was next to you
Now I’m searching the room for an empty seat’
Cause lately I don’t even know what page you’re (I’m) on.”
“Oh, a simple complication
Miscommunications lead to fallout.”
“Now I’m standing alone in a crowded room
And we’re not speaking
And I’m dying to know, is it killing you
Like it’s killing me”
“I don’t know what to say since a twist of fate
When it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now”
“How’d we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy
And you’re doing your best to avoid me.”
“I’m starting to think one day I’ll tell the story of us
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here
But you held your pride like you should have held me”
“Oh I’m scared to see the ending.
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I’d tell you I miss you, but I don’t know how
I’ve never heard silence quite this loud”
That was my drama last Sunday. I died a thousand deaths waiting for an sms alone. But it is okay because I have been ignored a lot of times. So, I am okay with that. I just did lots of chores to occupy myself. *sigh*
I even asked myself on Twitter (@BamRoyo), “Aside from my younger brother, my laptop and my love life, what else could go crashing?” I felt pain. But I can’t blame that to him because everything was of my own doing. I can never compensate for the pain he has felt because of me. I just cannot simply say that “to love is to hurt”. I can’t. It’s just so wrong.
For when we love a person, we should be doing our best to avoid hurting them. To not push them away when we need them the most, thereby making them misunderstand what we truly feel.
Loving will always be the best feeling in the world. Loving someone and being loved in return, that is. That is just pure bliss. Pure happiness. Not a material thing that could be bought, rather, it could only be felt.