Sadness

I stare at my mirror, tears falling, I tell myself, “I don’t recognize that girl.” I have never seen myself break down before. I have always been that headstrong young woman I have known myself to be, but not anymore. Everything is crumbling down before my eyes. That picture of a young woman smiling as if she carried no burden was gone.

A totally wrecked me, crying hard and unstoppable. I wanted my best friend to be with me, she’d know what to do. She has this bear hug made for me. But I can’t get what I want even if I cry the whole night because she is far from me. She a six hour drive away from me here in Tacloban. I want a hug. I want to cry all my heart out.

Other than her, I wanted my boyfriend by my side, but he can’t be with me because we are far from each other too. If only he could see how helpless I am tonight, I’m sure he’d cry with me too (or I guess not). I pick up my phone, and read an SMS he has just sent, he says he loves me, but he doesn’t see me this way. The wrecked me, breaking down before the world in this small room.

I want a life. I want the old me. Why is this happening to me now? I can’t understand myself at all. I don’t know myself at all. All red and swollen eyes, I don’t know what to do at all. Can the ground swallow me up like I’m some kind of a big chunk of whatever it wants?

Lying down, I stare blankly into the ceiling, I see nothing but darkness. My eyes feel tired and swollen from crying. Hopeless, that is what I am feeling. Another one, helpless, no one can help me. I refuse to be consoled now but maybe in my dreams tonight, someone will console me.

Tomorrow morning I will be okay. The sun will greet me warmer than before. It’s time to keep you in the dark again ugly girl. Don’t show yourself to me again. And if you do, I guess you’ll win over me. I shall wear that thick mask tomorrow. Proceed with all that I have to do as if nothing happened. Riva, you’ll be buried again. You are my past already. Even if I love you so much, this impostor shall live the life it ought to live. I am so sorry.

Oh tears, can’t you stop from falling as I enter this into my blog post? You too nose. Tsk. Sniffing me again. 

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